By Dave Msseemmaa
Apache Photo Editor

I hate seeing flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

I was pulled over by a cop for a very minor offense on a recent Tuesday night while driving with a couple friends. I’m okay with being stopped by cops; it’s their job to pull people over.

The policeman said we could be on our way after he checks our IDs and my insurance card. No problem, right?

Wrong.

There were no problems with the IDs, but the friendly officer asked to search the car and told me if I refuse, we’ll have to wait for a K9 unit to sniff out my auto. He said I was "nervous" (I guess was the first ever to be nervous when pulled over).

So, in the interest of timeliness, I allowed the search. But that was very weak of me. My car is my domain and I regret not being prepared for this situation. But, should it come up again, I’ll be ready.

I’ll be ready to make the police say "What the hell is wrong with this kid!?"

By laughing, most people’s nerves are calmed. So if I create some humor for the cop, I won’t be nervous, thus I won’t get searched. Brilliant! And besides, refusing seems too "nervous."

The first thing I would do after being asked if I’d consent to a search would be to make a deal. I would suggest, "you can search my car only if I can search yours." Other things to say if a cop asks to search the car are:

Since cops tend to be witty, I need a backup plan, just in case my humor isn’t appreciated.

The officer searching my car spent several minutes looking through my trash bag. I said to a friend, "I wish I’d ejaculated on a napkin and stuck it in there for him to find," which prompted thoughts of amusing things to plant in the car.

My list included whips and chains, a shovel, naked pictures of cops, a cop uniform, a Ziploc bag full of marshmallow cream, and perhaps a stinky rodent in the trunk.

Since I don’t carry illegal things in my car, it would also be fun to make him check unusual places with lines such as "Did you check under the spare tire? If I was drugs, that’s where I’d be... How ‘bout the secret cubbyhole behind the steering column…? Did you lift up the cover for the gearshift…? That’s just trouble waiting to be found!"

Watching the officer fruitlessly check the spaces I suggest would amuse me so.

Most of my experiences with police have been pleasant experiences and I usually pull away smiling. Cops work hard (believe it or not) and I feel bad about trying to make them amuse me.

Oh, well.

Next time I am asked to allow cops to search, hopefully saying, "If you find anything illegal, you can keep my car, but if you don’t I get your radar gun," will be more effective than just refusing. I might seem too nervous if I refuse.