It’s A Man’s World
By Rich Green
IV Leader Sports Editor and Columnist, March 19, 2009
There is one movie that no matter what time it’s on, or
what else is available on On Demand, always stops my remote and makes me hit
that middle button with serious fury. That movie, my friends, involves one man
destroying folks’ lives to make the “Double Deuce” one rockin’ Jasper, Mo.,
time.
That movie is, of course, “Roadhouse.”
No, this isn’t another vintage movie review; however, it is a
catalyst for what this column is about, which is “that one guy.” Now, Dalton is
a perfect example of “that one guy” because he is an unstoppable force.
He does Tai Chi in the woods, he gets the overly sexed-up hot
doctor and he rips out the throat of a man wearing a shark tooth necklace. All
pretty legit prerequisites to being “that guy.”
We all know “that guy.” Chances are he is sitting next to you
on your couch right now taking a nap, dreaming of his next manly move. Don’t
wake him up and ask him, for his grizzly bear like tendencies may take over and
you may also be missing a throat.
Ah yes…Fred…that’s what we will call him. Fred sounds good
mostly because its four letters and no quotation marks. Fred is the guy. He is
the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy.
Now your Fred may differ from my Fred. Each Fred has his own
level of cool. My Fred owns the city. He is like a flying Rolls Royce. He can
hit his six iron 400 yards out of the rough with devastating spin. He only
builds things shirtless because his chest hair makes clothing unbearable when
temperatures make their way above freezing.
He fights wolves without weapons. He rides sharks in the
ocean by gripping their gills with his bear like claws, harpooning whales for
sport. While you and your buddy struggle to carry that keg full of “soda” up a
flight of stairs, Fred is behind you laughing every step of the way while
lifting that keg up over his head and running up that same flight of stairs.
His talents aren’t just useful in the woods, the ocean or at
frat parties, but are also useful in everyday activities. You need an outfielder
for your softball team? He has been to the majors and can hit a 100 mph
fastball. He played with Cameron Maybin in the Marlin’s farm system.
If you need a meal fit for a king, ask your big buddy Fred.
He cooks with the ease and pizzazz of Emeril, his taste buds rival that of
Anthony Bourdain and he never makes a mess.
If a mess happens, he yells until someone else cleans it up.
He has a mind like a steel trap. He remembers your student ID number and has
seen every movie ever made. Believe it or not he has seen “Iron Man 2” already.
Fred, as manly as he may be, has a soft spot for the ladies
and loves with the ferocity of a lion. You think your backstage passes to Panic
at the Disco! was a pimp move, but just listen to his story of how he met Megan
Fox at an awards show he wasn’t invited to, swept her off her feet and then
slept with her roommate.
I really hope that everyone gets to have a Fred in their
lives. Because, let’s face it, he is as good a friend as they come. No matter
what, he is your go-to guy.
He puts a smile on your face and is always handy to have
around in a pinch. His laughter, after all, is the reason why Magic Johnson’s
HIV is no longer an issue.