MARLA'S MUSINGS COLUMN: Dick vs. Bush - the debate continues
By Marla Buchanan
After being dragged through the mid-term knothole many students and faculty seek out methods to reanimate their pinched carcasses. Aromatherapy, yoga, meditation, and massage are all wonderful ways to refresh oneself.
While perusing the latest copy of my mother's Dr. Leonard's catalog, among the ads for support hose and herbal Viagra are these white, plastic, rocket-shaped massagers on page eight.
The ad begins with the following: "Soothe away stress and tension! Cordless, for your convenience--a convenient way to reduce stress and relieve tension! Compact design, available in three sizes, is ideal for easing neck and back pain...for relaxing tired, aching muscles! Quiet and powerful; fully portable [I could keep it in my pencil case for algebra-induced anxiety.] for added ease...Choose 7-inch ($3.99), 10-inch ($4.99), or 12-inch ($5.99)..."
Not that size matters, I'm sure...I chose the atomic 12-inch, because I prefer better coverage.
If lightning flashes, thunder peals, and the lights dim--don't worry, it's just myself dancing in the rain with my nuclear-powered massager, "easing away my tension". (Anyone who knows me will tell you that I need a nice, long massage--in a bad way.)
Speaking of hard, plastic, pocket-rockets, I decided to do a survey on the popularity of our current White House 'Good ol' Boy' and his trusty sidekick. I asked a variety of people "Do you like Dick (Cheney) or Bush?" I will proceed to list the following responses:
- "I love Dick, and if I had him here I would kiss his cute little bald head." (Female student, 23)
- "There's nothing better than Bush."--(Male student, 19)
- "Dick always stands up for Bush, I respect that."--(Male faculty member, Democrat)
- "I'm not really into Bush, but I find Dick intriguing."--(Female staff member)
- "Too much Dick and Bush is nothing to clap about."--(Fortune cookie)
- "I've always believed that Dick and Bush should never be apart."--(Bill Clinton)
Although this columnist is quite fond of Dick, during a shortage he could be replaced by a piece of mechanized joy.
All that Bush needs is plenty of batteries.
To all of my critics that somehow fail to realize that this is a satirical, opinion column, and that this is a college paper, and not Vanity Fair--"go massage yourselves."
One critic, of my first column (Feb. 1, 2001), did not distinguish between my column, which was a book review, and his letter (published Feb. 22, 2001), which was an essay on the availability of campus writing resources. Mr. Steve Bubb, accused me of "...inform[ing] students only of (writing resources) that cost money." He missed the fact that my intention was to inform students about the best of those writing resources that cost money.
To my readers and critics, read carefully before you complain, at least before you complain publicly.