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By B. Eddie Bauman

I started school here in January of last year. My heart goes out to the new students who are just beginning this semester, for there is no one assigned to help you find your way around. I will take this on myself, as I have been there.

First – you must forget the alphabet, as you know it. It is done differently here. You begin with C. From there you may go right to E or left to A, but beware; it gets more complicated as you go. Going clockwise, it is C, A, B, D, E, and back to C. The long hallway heading away from these letters leads to F. Are you with me so far?

Second – forget the normal numbering system in the average building. The first floor has the two hundred numbers and the second floor has the three hundred numbers because the basement has the one hundred numbers instead of B21 or L13, like most buildings. (Maybe it costs extra to put letters on room signs.)

Warning! If you are a female, and you have to go to the bathroom, do NOT make the mistake, as I did, of looking for one on the first floor. The first week I was here I made a full circle of the buildings looking for a women’s room. I finally stopped at the information desk and was informed that the women’s rooms are one the second floor. In my 44 years on this planet I have been in many buildings, but this is the first time I have ever been in a group of buildings that has all of the men’s rooms on the first floor and all of the women’s on the second.

This is particularly annoying when the cleaning staff keeps you out of the women’s room in the building where your class is. I have no idea why the favorite time to clean the bathrooms is between classes instead of during them, but it is the regular practice. If you have made it upstairs, by the skin of your teeth and they send you away, you must go back down the stairs, over to another building, back up the stairs and just hope no one is cleaning that one. Then you come back down the stairs and back to the building where your class is. If you have any trouble getting up and down the stairs quickly – I would not recommend being a female.

Third – don’t assume that everyone old enough to be your parent is a teacher. My first semester here I knew all of the new kids because they all asked me for directions. The key to look for is someone old enough to be your parent who doesn’t look like they are going to explode if they don’t find a bathroom soon. If that person is not a teacher, there is at least a reasonably good chance that they’ve been here long enough to help you find your way.

Fourth – remember, in a couple of weeks you will know this place like the back of your hand. At that point, you will realize that even though they don’t know the alphabet or how to number rooms, or that women need to use the bathroom at least as often as men do – this is a great place to learn and a fun place to be. Don’t let the goofy things throw you. There is more to learn and participate in at this institution than you would ever believe possible.

But if you happen to see some poor non-traditional female student wandering the halls with that frantic look on her face, please, point her up the stairs.