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THE PICKLE COLUMN:  Rude people jerk the gherkin

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By Marla Buchanan

I’ve tried to be good, honest I have, but I’ve found out that its just not very comfortable (and kind of boring) to be a she-devil in angelic clothing. I’ve been banging my newly acquired halo against the wall (in frustration) lately over all of the rude, obnoxious behavior I’ve been observing on campus, and elsewhere.

So, I’m busting out of this celestial straight jacket, and I’m re-vamping my opinion column. Fill in the blanks will make a frequent appearance from now on. As you sit on the toilet perusing each glorious issue of this fine publication, you will have something additional to concentrate on. Afterwards, you can line the cat box, birdcage, or replace that depleted Sears catalog.

I’ve adopted the name, ‘The Pickle,’ for my column (thank you Psych Club for sending us this newspaper name suggestion), as there are always a few whopping kosher dills that I would like to push. You could say that I have ‘pickle-envy.’ If you are an a------, I hope for your sake that you have a powerful pucker.

My biggest complaint (for now) is about all of the sawed-off, ‘baby gherkin’ punks that like to chatter incessantly during a lecture. I’m sorry to break this to you, but nobody wants to hear how you would like to hit a home-run with that hottie with the big hooters in Spanish class, or about that huge sale at the mall, "jeans only $50, what a bargain!" You’re drowning out the voices in my head; please stop it!

If I were an instructor I would insist that the desks come equipped with hidden catapults to propel these droning clowns through a wall and out of the classroom (which is where they really want to be, anyway). It could be controlled (with certain modifications) by the present classroom remote, and would make a dandy addition to Power Point.

Another thing that has ‘unscrewed my jar,’ is a complaint that our paper is not pristinely edited. A certain person has made the comment to me that they NEVER make typos, and has inferred that (lately) our publication has been riddled with them. They also added that their former editor "was not that bright" because she made such mistakes.

All I have to say to this individual (and you know who you are) is why don’t you lend us your obvious literary finesse and help lay out the paper on deadlines? we reely need yur, help.

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