THE PICKLE COLUMN: Santa: the 'man ho'
By Marla Buchanan
DAYTONA BEACH, FLA. – The Daytona Beach P.D., who made a surprise raid on the Pink Flamingo Motel, early Saturday morning, arrested Santa Claus over Thanksgiving weekend. Police Chief Duncan Cruller said that Mrs. Claus had called earlier that week in a "frantic state," and had told the officer that Santa had been missing since December 26, 2000. He apparently "gave the elves ‘the finger,’ and said, "F--- it! I’m going to Florida!" Her call coincided with reports of a fat, white-bearded man wearing only an ill-fitting trench coat, staggering through the beach area flashing unsuspecting females. The police eventually tracked down the suspect to his room at the Pink Flamingo, where they made the arrest.
Chief Cruller said that, "As we approached the one-story, Pepto-Bismol pink building, with the cross-eyed, peeling flamingo statue out front, we spotted Santa’s Harley (License # JGLBLZ) parked outside room # 69. We busted down the door, only after politely requesting entrance, first." Chief Cruller continued to describe what they found, "As we entered the musty, dimly-lit kitchenette, the smell of urine and stale beer hit us full force. The T.V. was blaring; stacks of nudie magazines and porno tapes were right beside it. Roaches scurried over a faded, lime-green carpet full of cigarette burns. We had to kick our way through the empty liquor bottles and beer cans that were every place, as we made our way over to the bed where Santa was passed out. My heart broke, as I spotted Santa laying on soiled sheets, in an old, worn-out, stained t-shirt, and women’s panties. His beard was all bushy and matted like some gray tumbleweed, and his hair was greasy and swept over to one side. We also found a few marijuana cigarettes along with some drug paraphernalia on the nightstand. After reviving him, we cuffed him and took him back to the station for questioning. Bleary-eyed, Santa began relating his experiences over several pots of coffee. He had been on a drinking binge, getting loaded and going to tittie bars since he left the North Pole. [Off the record]: I suggested that we could drop the possession charge if he got me a Porsche this year. He said that he would try, but couldn’t make any promises."
I tried to get a statement from Santa at the airport, as he attempted to keep a low profile by wearing dark sunglasses with his trench coat. As he headed for his gate, I asked, "Will there be a Christmas this year?" He ignored me and kept walking, so I called out, "What about the children?" He stopped, then turned around slowly, and said, "Kids suck," then he went on his merry way.
Chief Cruller added, "I sure hope that there is a Christmas this year; I really need that car."
Happy Holidays!